 Hi all! I hope everybody had a fine week. Me, I’m gearing up for the return of Big Brother on July 9. It’s been so long since the hamsters have paraded for my amusement. Also, the first season of Eastbound and Down comes out on DVD Tuesday. I will be demanding that you watch it, so that we can have fun tossing Kenny Powers lines back and forth. It will make us better friends, I promise.
America’s birthday on Saturday! Buy a present!
Here’s what you’ll be watching this week.
8-10 THE BACHELORETTE – Hometown dates! Imagine how disappointed all of the families are going to be. “Her? Really?” Also, somebody makes a shocking return, and people keep talking about Wes’ (imaginary?) girlfriend.
8-10 AMERICAN IDOL – In honor of the King of Pop, they’re re-running the Michael Jackson-themed Idol from earlier this year. So, I’m not sure if this is too soon, but do you think the ghost of Farah Fawcett is like, super angry? She had a lock on every magazine cover for about two hours, and then it all slipped away.
David Letterman: Jessica Biel, Zach Galifianakis, Steve Earle (R 6/3/09)
Conan O'Brien: Tom Hanks, Green Day (R 6/2/09)
Late Late Show: Michael Douglas, Carrie Ann Inaba (R 4/30/09)
Jimmy Fallon: Ice-T, Elmo, Morgan Webb, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs (R 4/15/09)
Last Call: Melanie Fiona (R 3/2/09)
Daily Show: Dr. Oliver Sacks
Colbert Report: Neil DeGrasse Tyson
Jimmy Kimmel: Paris Hilton, Ken Jeong, Blink 182 (R 6/9/09)
The View: Tom Hanks, Ayelet Zurer, Ron Howard (R 5/15/09)
Regis and Kelly: Josh Duhamel, Katie Brown, guest co-host Mark Consuelos
Ellen DeGeneres: Ted Danson, Ernie Bjorkman (R 1/28/09)
Tavis Smiley: A tribute to Michael Jackson
Chelsea Lately: Brooke Hogan, Michael Yo, Josh Wolf, Natasha Leggero
George Stroumboulopoulos: Bill Maher, Larry Charles, Finesse Mitchell (R)
Bonnie Hunt: Sherri Shepherd, tennis player James Blake (R 3/10/09)
8-10 AMERICA’S GOT TALENT – For some reason, NBC considers this to be two separate episodes rather than a single two-hour episode. There is very little chance that anybody else will find that interesting.
8-9:30 THE SUPERSTARS – It’s amazing how many of these famous people I’ve never heard of. Is there really a model named “Joanna Krupa”? I very much doubt that there is.
9:30-10 BETTER OFF TED – Ted and Veronica are forced to shame offices, while Lem asks a beautiful scientist on a date. Yay, Lem! He’s incapable of saying anything that isn’t funny.
8-10 LEGALLY BLONDE – I have been asked to include more items on the schedule that will specifically appeal to my sister. This is one o those items.
10-11 RESCUE ME – Tommy seeks a violent outlet for his emotions. Well, that sounds healthy, right?
David Letterman: Michael J. Fox, the Fray (R 4/2/09)
Conan O'Brien: Gwyneth Paltrow, Joel McHale, John Mayer Trio (R 6/4/09)
Late Late Show: Teri Hatcher, Martina McBride (R 4/23/09)
Jimmy Fallon: Seth Meyers, Michelle Trachtenberg, BMX rider Mike Spinner (R 4/22/09)
Last Call: Charles Hamilton (R 3/3/09)
Daily Show: Mike Kim
Colbert Report: Kevin Mattson
Jimmy Kimmel: Ty Pennington, David Sedaris, the Jonas Brothers (R 6/16/09)
The View: Lenore Skenazy, Dolly Parton, Allison Janney, Stephanie J. Block, Megan Hilty, Marc Kudisch (R 5/1/09)
Regis and Kelly: Seann William Scott, Kristinia Debarge, guest co-host Anderson Cooper
Ellen DeGeneres: Bette Midler, Pink, Hans Klok (R 11/24/08)
Tavis Smiley: Shohreh Aghdashloo, Roger Cohen
Chelsea Lately: Lauren Conrad, Kevin Hart, Jo Koy, Jen Kirkman
George Stroumboulopoulos: Howard Zinn, Sean Avery, Ricky Gervais (R)
Bonnie Hunt: Denis Leary, Aisha Tyler (R 12/3/08)
8-9 WIPEOUT – I will not be judged!
9-10 I SURVIVED A JAPANESE GAME SHOW – Can the hapless Red Robots actually win a game? By the way, I like the new format with three challenges per episode. Good job, guys!
8-10 AMERICA’S GOT TALENT – This show? Is on a lot.
8-10 SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE – The top 14 dancers perform. Presumably, Cat Deeley will also wear an outfit designed by a mental patient.
10:30-11 RENO 911! – Strange lights are reported in the desert, and mysterious deputies show up at the station. Yep, it’s the alien episode! By the way, was anybody else sad that last week confirmed Garcia as definitely dead? I was hoping for “maimed”, and maybe one last appearance.
David Letterman: Denzel Washington, the Jonas Brothers, a Top Ten List presented by Regis Philbin (R 6/11/09)
Conan O'Brien: Eddie Murphy, Angela Kinsey, Bonnie Raitt, Taj Mahal (R 6/9/09)
Late Late Show: Denis Leary, Diane Birch (R 6/2/09)
Jimmy Fallon: Zachary Quinto, Leonard Nimoy, Joan Rivers, Rachael Ray (R 5/8/09)
Last Call: Little Boots (R 3/4/09)
Daily Show: Rep. Henry Waxman
Colbert Report: Lee Siegel
Jimmy Kimmel: Shia LaBeouf, June Diane Raphael, Eric Hutchinson (R 6/25/09)
The View: Neil Patrick Harris, Lionel Richie (R 7/5/09)
Regis and Kelly: John Leguizamo
Ellen DeGeneres: Wayne Dyer, Queen Latifah, Rob Thomas (R 5/22/09)
Tavis Smiley: Lisa Kudrow, James Young
Chelsea Lately: Justin Kirk, Greg Proops, Sarah Colonna, Ross Mathews
George Stroumboulopoulos: Paul Rudd, Jason Segel, Nickelback (R)
Bonnie Hunt: Kyra Sedgwick, Micky Dolenz, Nick Malis (R 1/26/09)
Please note, there is no new episode of Burn Notice tonight. There is no good reason for this, as they’re just running a repeat in that time slot. What’s up with that, USA?
9-10 SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE – Two dancers are eliminated and Kelly Clarkson performs. Man, FOX owns her!
David Letterman: Sandra Bullock, Pete Correale, P.J. Harvey and John Parish (R 6/12/09)
Conan O'Brien: Norm MacDonald, Jim Gaffigan, Neko Case (R 6/11/09)
Late Late Show: John McEnroe (R 4/28/09)
Jimmy Fallon: Maya Rudolph, Damon Wayans Jr., Asher Roth (R 5/14/09)
Last Call: Robert Francis (R 3/5/09)
Daily Show: Robert Kenner
Colbert Report: Ed Viesturs
Jimmy Kimmel: Megan Fox, David Cross, Phoenix (R 6/26/09)
The View: Black Eyed Peas (R 7/12/09)
Regis and Kelly: Guest co-host Jerry O'Connell
Ellen DeGeneres: Michelle Obama, the Jonas Brothers (R 9/8/08)
Tavis Smiley: Bill Pullman, Debo Adegbile
Chelsea Lately: Marissa Jaret Winokur, Heather McDonald, John Caparulo
George Stroumboulopoulos: Smashing Pumpkins, Howie Mandel, James Cameron (R)
Bonnie Hunt: Rosie O'Donnell, Oliver Hudson (R 2/27/09)
8:30-9 THE GOODE FAMILY – It’s come to my attention that nobody is watching this show. I tried, people, I really did. Not only are you killing a perfectly good show with your apathy, but you’re also killing King of the Hill. It’s all everybody else’s fault but mine!
David Letterman: Kid Scientists, Teri Hatcher, Rick Ross with Magazeen, a Top Ten List presented by Ron Howard (R 5/14/09)
Conan O'Brien: Kobe Bryant, William Shatner, Incubus (R 6/17/09)
Late Late Show: Matthew McConaughey, Cokie Roberts (R 5/7/09)
Jimmy Fallon: Whoopi Goldberg, Stephen Baldwin, Keane (R 5/26/09)
Last Call: N.A.S.A. (R 3/6/09)
Jimmy Kimmel: Josh Duhamel, Tracy Hutson, Bat For Lashes (R 6/24/09)
The View: George Lopez, Mario Cantone, Lewis Black, MVP (R 6/19/09)
Regis and Kelly: Brad Paisley, Neal E. Boyd
Ellen DeGeneres: Taylor Swift, Justin Timberlake (R 11/11/08)
Tavis Smiley: Jane Mayer, Malina Saval
Chelsea Lately: Derek Fisher, Randy Sklar, Jason Sklar, Jeff Wild, Sarah Colonna (R 6/22/09)
George Stroumboulopoulos: Gov. Sarah Palin, Marlee Matlin, John Legend (R)
Bonnie Hunt: Alyson Hannigan, Elmo, Richard King (R 9/19/08)
Happy 4th of July! Go out and see some fireworks!
This is so depressing. Not that long ago, I had 8 hours worth of programming on Sunday night. Tonight? Nothing. At least Big Brother is only a week away, and Mad Men returns in August. Still, might as well stay in bed today.
“If reality TV has taught us anything, it’s that you can’t keep people with no shame down.”
“Over time, your quickness with a cocky rejoinder must have gotten you many punches in the face.”
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