spunkybean - What the Kids Like: SPECIAL Old-Man Edition (Nov 12)

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What the Kids Like: SPECIAL Old-Man Edition (Nov 12)

Written by Don Kowalewski

Wednesday, 12 November 2008 13:42

I feel like a kid, again. Although I recently turned 35, with my viewing of the MTV VMAs (that’s “Video Music Awards” for you out-of-touch 20-somethings, out there) a few months back, I realize I’m ‘hip’, once again.

Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers, Britney Spears, and horrible rap acts were everywhere more than a few Sundays ago. While I’m a huge hip-hop fan, the rap acts that play the MTV stage are rarely relevant the moment they walk off stage. Yes, Public Enemy, The Beastie Boys, LL Cool J, and Eminem have played past showw, but far more fall into the T-Pain and Li’L Wayne soon-to-be-obscure, category.

There have been moments over the past 5 years, as I emblazoned a trail into 30-something-land, that I felt out-of-touch. Trends and emerging artists I once enjoyed were replaced by High School Musical soundtracks and children’s CDs by Barenaked Ladies and They Might be Giants. Ice Cube and Martin Lawrence are making children’s movies and lending voices to cartoon characters. I knew full well Zack Efron and Miley Cyrus weren’t “cool”, but what else was I going to do? I’m a sucker for a catchy lyric and a pop beat, so I memorized their entire catalogs, as well as all 11 Wiggles CDs.

I was not proud …but now I am. Because, apparently, this is the height of coolness and popularity. A 35-year-old, father-of-three, mini-van-owner should not even bother. Turns out I don't have to. I'm still a trend setter.

I am the epitome of the “MTV Generation”, and my generation breathed life into a network that vowed to play music videos and nothing else. And when MTV started experimenting with genre based shows, such as Headbangers Ball and Yo! MTV Raps, I evolved with the network. Then came game shows (Remote Control) and specials (Movie and Video Music Awards), and I embraced those, too. But soon, experimental shows started to push music videos further and further out of the way, and I wasn’t about to start watching TRL and 45-seconds of my favorite videos. It’s hard to believe it, but you have to set your Tivo for the wee hours of the night and morning to catch actual videos, and even then, it’s the same 20 or 30 offerings, over and over, again.

Is there some sort of void? Did nothing “cool” happen between 1998 and 2006, outside of Kid Rock, Eminem, Beyonce Knowles, and possibly 50 Cent? Coldplay doesn’t count (because they are boring as sin). Britney Spears was a mid- to late-90s phenomenon, as was Christina Aguilara, so how is MTV still celebrating them both a decade later? Debbie Gibson and Tiffany didn’t enjoy such a courtesy? Plus, Britney and Aguilara both popped out kids. Doesn't that take you out of mainstream? Oh, wait. That's right. The hottest babes in Hollywood all have kids, nowadays. "A brat in a stroller" is the new Ugg Boot.

I feel like I fell asleep at some point in the late 90s, woke up last month, and I didn’t miss anything relevant or revolutionary. Is a “revolution” even possible, anymore?

Come to think of it, The Wiggles recently lost their lead singer to a heart ailment that doesn't allow him to tour, dance, or engage in any physical activity. Hey. I wasn't born yesterday. That's a heroin addiction if I've ever seen one. Don't most performers call that "exhaustion?" Does Amy Winehouse have the same "ailment?" The Wiggles then brought on a new lead singer, just like Van Halen did, and are attempting to continue on entertaining kids, but for us Wiggles purists, it'll never be the same.

The Wiggles lead singer is an out of control addict. You heard it here, first. Cool!!!

Saturday Night Live hasn’t been able to launch any breakout stars …well …Will Ferrel and Tina Fey. But even Tina Fey just blew up (but isn't she, like, pushing 40?), and now, finally, the show seems to be full of talent, again. Well, Andy Samberg is funny, at least.

When I flip on my Alternative Rock channels via the FM-radio dial, I still find Red Hot Chili Peppers, Pearl Jam, Nirvana, U2, Green Day, Foo Fighters, and Metallica getting heavy rotation. Now you tell me how those mainstream artists can still be considered "alternative." Metallica is a hair-band, heavy-metal throwback from way back and needs to be on mainstream rock outlets (known as AOR in "the biz") and so do the Foo Fighters, for that matter. The Foo Fighters are one of the best bands of the last decade, so spare me calling them "alternative." The entire point of "Alternative" as a genre was because the artists didn't quite fit into the soaring stage show, seering guitar solo world that we'd come to synonimize with 80s rock.

In fact, Alternative Rock stations won't play the likes of Fall Out Boy or Panic at the Disco, but they'll still kick around new Weezer. Regular readers of Kevin Miller's "What the Kids Like" column know what should pass as "alternative", but those artists can't find the light of day anywhere on the radio dial, be it terrestrial or satellite.

From now on, I'm going with my instincts. If the underground world won't show itself, and I can't find it and hate it, I'm going to assume it doesn't really exist. The point is ...it should exist. And I shouldn't "get" it. And I should hate it. And I should lament to my fellow thirty-something friends over a 12 oz. glass bottle of a fancy overpriced beer at a bar where everyone talks quietly and a pianest plucks away a mellow version of Pearl Jam's "Jeremy", that music has "jumped the shark" (like that very phrase itself). I'm going to assume "cool" doesn't exist anymore.

No, actually I'm going to assume "cool" does exist and I still shape its existence with my attention and my purchasing power. "Kids these days" text instead of talk, they wear 80s fashion, and they've given up on trying to scare the older generation by defining a new alternative and a new "cool."

Not cool.

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