Previously on Dancing with the Stars: There was weeping and gnashing of teeth, as Anna Trebunskaya was sent home for the season. Oh, and also her partner, whatsisname. The ladies dominated the week, Aaron Carter managed to not cry on camera, and we were introduced to the new Bachelor, who I’ve already forgotten.

Hey, Tom Bergeron! Viviparous animals give birth to what kind of young? Oh yeah, LIIIIIIVVVVVE!!!!! In the opening, Tom alludes to some problems with the flu, because everybody in America seems to have it right now and that includes both dancers and stars. And holy crap, Samantha Harris’ hair is HUGE! I don’t know what happened, but I’m scared.

It’s Latin Night, with everybody performing either the Paso Doble or the Argentine Tango. Yay! It’s also group dance night, which I always love. Also, Derek Hough is out with the flu, so Joanna Krupa will be dancing with Maks. Oh, Tom is so getting his butt smacked tonight.

All right, time for the dancers, in order of score. Ready?

Donny Osmond and Kym (29/30) – Kym asks Donny if he understands passion, and he makes a reference to having 5 kids. This is an image that will last you for a long time. In addition to DWTS, he’s doing a show in Las Vegas with Marie, and I am not ashamed to tell you I came this close to checking it out while on vacation. Yeah, I’m manly. But wow, he’s doing that show four nights a week, and now learning two dances a week. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

They’re dancing the Argentine Tango, and it starts off nice and clean. Well-executed but not flashy. And then come the lifts. Granted, Kym weighs about 80 lbs soaking wet, but they are pulling off some really fantastic lifts. I think Kym’s providing all of the intensity, but Donny is holding up his end really well. That was much better than I had expected. You just can’t count out the Osmonds when it comes to this show.

Carrie Ann says she fell in love with him and it was a real transformation. She calls Donny “sexy” and says she feels like Bruno. Whether she means the judge or the Sacha Baron Cohen character is not immediately clear. Len calls it Donny’s best dance. Bruno says it’s “Bonanza Time” and calls him “Donnie Darko”. So he’s decent but wildly overrated? I don’t think that’s what you were looking for, Bruno. Carrie Ann and Bruno give him 10’s, and Len gives him a 9. 29!

Mya and Dmitry (27/30) – Dmitry is happy that they can do lifts in the Argentine Tango, until one of those lifts results in him getting kicked in the crotch. Guys, that’s Tom’s other show! They volunteer for Habitat for Humanity, but Mya is wearing giant hoop earrings that seem dangerous on a worksite.

They have a very theatrical opening, with a lot of posing, but most of it does involve footwork on Mya’s part, so Len can’t complain. They spend more time at the top of the stairs than I’ve ever seen anybody do before, which is a nice way to set it apart from other tangos. This thing is fantastic, too. It’s got a gorgeous flow to it, and just the right intensity. I really liked this one.

Len thought it was risky to stay on the steps for so long, but he ended up liking it. Bruno thought it was intricate and precise, but points out that Mya needs to maintain her emotional connection. Carrie Ann agrees with that, but in a way that’s kind of confusing. She gets three 9’s for a 27.

Mark Dacascos and Lacey (26/30) – Mark wants to break out of the middle of the pack, and he thinks the Paso Doble is ideal for his athleticism. His rehearsal footage is not that interesting. His adorable kids should stop by again.

The dance opens with Sensei Ping strutting like a bullfighter. Lacey charges the stage, and she’s actually leaving a cloud behind her. Pretty cool. Mark is just attacking this thing. I think his footwork looks great and he even busts out a couple of roundhouse kicks. They stand apart from each other more than the other Paso couples have, which is just an observation, not a value judgment. I really liked this dance.

Bruno calls him “Mephisto – the Red Devil”. I almost want to write that up as a Spider-Man reference, but that seems unlikely. He loved the intensity and said he was “on it”. Carrie Ann admired his power, and thought it was exciting. Len said he had “power, passion, and performance”. He gets two 9’s and an 8 from Bruno for a 26. Good job, Mark!

Aaron Carter and Karina (24/30) – Man, I forgot how much Carrie Ann hated him last week. In rehearsal, Karina calls herself a “cold-blooded bitch”, and you just know Maks is backstage nodding in agreement. Karina brings in some professionals to show him the mature approach to the Tango. Aaron is dressed like a drum major in some of the interview footage, for some reason.

Their Argentine Tango starts off promisingly, but maybe dwells too long on posturing before the dance begins. Honestly, I’m not wild about this one – I feel like there’s not really a connection there and he just seems like he’s thinking too hard. I mean, Tangos usually look awesome, but this just isn’t working for me. There are a couple of times when he seems to be a step farther away from Karina than he should be, because he overextends when he reaches for her, and it looks crazy awkward. The audience loves it, though, so what do I know? He looks like he’s going to cry at the end. I think he’s the male Shannon Elizabeth.

Bruno really liked it and thought he had great magnetism, and then compares him to that guy from Twilight, which is not helping. Carrie Ann makes Aaron approach the table so she can kiss him. Len loved it too. I’m a little confused by this turn of events. LaToya Jackson is in the audience, and she is apparently six thousand years old. She seems to be sitting next to Stana Katic, which either means we’re pimping Castle tonight, or there just happens to be a Stana Katic lookalike in the audience. I support it either way. The judges hit him with straight 8’s for a 24. Not bad, but not what I was expecting from the raves.

Kelly Osbourne and Louis (24/30) – Kelly has a problem with giggling in rehearsal, and she calls Louis’ cape a “skirt”. That’s not the proper Paso Doble spirit, young lady! They’ll be dancing to her father’s song “Crazy Train”, which is awesome.

This is actually a pretty good dance, but I think they’re so caught up in the strobe lights and decided non Paso song, that it’s getting a little overshadowed. If you get past all the flash and sparkle, this is really quite a good dance, though sometimes it feels a little slow. Like sometimes they’re taking an extra minute to position themselves or something. I liked it overall, though. And it rates a standing ovation from Ozzy!

Carrie Ann loved it, but thinks that sometimes her intensity falters. Len liked the dance but thinks she needs to work on finding the character. Bruno thinks nerves are her problem, but she delivers on the actual dancing. She gets 8’s across the board for a solid 24.

Joanna Krupa and Maks (24/30) – Derek gets sick this week, and Maks has to take his place. Maks calls himself the “Dance Doctor”. Hee. Man, all the fun pros went out way to early this season. Joanna’s really nervous about the partner switch, but the judges love her, so it’s not going to matter.

It’s the Argentine Tango for this pair, and Maks is bringing it. He’s really running the show and driving her around the dance floor. It looks to me like she blows it on a couple of steps, including a weird moment when they’re in hold and Maks jumps but she doesn’t. There’s at least one blatant stumble, and it’s not her finest hour. Still, pretty people doing the Tango are always fun to watch.

Bruno busts her on the stumble, and the judges seem deflated. Len thinks she did a great job under the circumstances. Carrie Ann tells her she’s not flexible enough. They really go easy on her, considering. Does she suffer from Imminent Death Syndrome? Also, Derek is backstage infecting everybody. In her interview, she blames her missed step on Maks, because she’s gracious that way. No kidding around, she gets straight, and totally undeserved 8’s for a 24. How the hell does a thing like that happen? Their misplaced Krupa-love is really starting to grate.

Melissa Joan Hart and Mark (23/30) – Last week, Melissa was awesome, but now she’s worried that there’s nowhere to go but down. That’s why I wallow in mediocrity. Mark wears a flu mask in rehearsal, and then he gets sick and who fills in? Anna! Hooray! Right away, she reminds Melissa to “keep the girls up”, and then is adorable for the rest of the segment.

They’re doing the Argentine Tango, and it’s pretty strong. They have a lot of flourishes which really up the interest factor, but it seems like it’s technically strong, too. I’m easily dazzled by the tango, though. At the end, Melissa snares her stocking on some part of Mark, and Tom has to help extricate them.

Bruno appreciates the difficult choreography, but she lost her footing and he never believed she was a harlot. Only from Bruno is that a criticism. Carrie Ann disagrees. She says she nailed the character of the dance, even if she had a couple of stumble. Len thought it lacked in “seduction” but liked it overall. Carrie Ann and Len give her 8’s, and a 7 from Bruno for a 23.

Natalie Coughlin and Alec (22/30) – She asks a bunch of crazy questions in rehearsal, including “So I go down as I come up?” Alec chalks that up to her having “a technical mind”, and I like her, so I’ll cut her some slack. He also drops the classic “Dimples don’t intimidate”.

They are dancing the Paso Doble to “American Woman”, and I’m distracted by memories of Lenny Kravitz being gross. I am disappointed that there’s no cape involved, of course. They have a nice intensity, and most of the dance has a good flow – there’s a section in the middle where Natalie seems to just forget where she is, but it does have some nice tricks. Not as flashy as I’d like, but it seems pretty strong.

Len tells her she’s “very accomplished”, but thinks she’s weak on the character of the dance. Bruno thought her dance lacked conviction, and he also calls her “Wonder Woman”, and I really hope somebody uses that costume for a number before the season is up. Carrie Ann busts her on a lift that I don’t buy for one second, since it was more of a supported jump. Carrie Ann and Bruno score her 7’s, and Len raises with an 8 for a respectable 22.

Louie Vito and Chelsie (22/30) – We are reminded that Len hated his dance last week. You weren’t alone Len. Heck, point out that he looks like a Hobbit, and we’ll be BFF’s. Chelsie assures us that he’s finding a “sexy and macho” character. Oh lord…

They are dancing the Argentine Tango, and they begin with a chair on stage. Then they take turns sitting in the chair, which makes Len sad. Most of their dance involves Louie standing still and Chelsie kicking either side of his leg. Or sometimes Louie moves one foot, for an awkward game of footsie. It’s weird, and I might be biased by the fact that I really don’t like him, but I thought this was pretty weak.

Len says he was “pleasantly surprised”, and he actually liked the chair. Bruno thinks it was a step in the right direction, but didn’t like his footwork. Carrie Ann agrees with Bruno and talks in a crazy lady voice. Len gives him an 8 and the others give him 7’s for a 22.

Michael Irvin and New Anna (21/30) – In an interview, Michael refers to a “new leash on life”, and says “Paso Doble” in such a way that makes him sound German. New Anna tells him the key is dancing like there’s a coin between your butt cheeks, and Michael promptly puts a nickel in his ass. Man, that guy’s Method. He should be happy he wasn’t offered Christopher Walken’s part in Pulp Fiction.

They are dancing to a song that I associate with bonus rounds in Nintendo games, because I am an uncultured heathen. I may be biased because I like Michael, and I love the Paso, but this is fairly cool. He has nice lines for a change, and he’s very much in step with New Anna. I think the judges might actually like this one, which will be nice for him.

Carrie Ann loses her earring and calls it her favorite dance so far. Len liked it better than last week. Bruno, of course, tells him to keep the nickel in his butt because it’s working. And then, Michael approaches the table and gives Bruno his ass nickel. You will not be surprised that Bruno keeps it. He gets straight 7’s for a personal high of 21.

Group Dance: Yes! I think this might be my first time recapping a group dance, actually. Myndi always seems to end up with them, and I resent her for it. Tom tells us that Kelly hurt her foot during her dance, so she’s going to dance barefoot in the Hustle. When everybody arrives for rehearsal, none other than Corky Ballas is waiting for him. Louie flails around like a spaz – he has no Hustle.

They bring out the safety mats, which means people are getting thrown around! Aaron invokes his man crush on Michael again, and we see all kinds of backflips and people slamming the mat. Derek nearly drops Joanna, who promptly puts on the bitchface that viewers of Superstars will recognize as her default status. Something flies out of Louis’ nose and into Kelly’s mouth, which scars me almost as much as it does her. Donny’s getting way into it, by the way.

Hustle Time! Naturally, they have awesome 70’s clothes, but Michael’s afro is killing me. Melissa hustles upside down in a lift, and cracks herself up. Kelly’s solo actually looks kind of elegant. Natalie flips around like a magical Sprite. Mark does standing backflips and is awesome. Aaron twirls Karina like crazy. Donny goes full Saturday Night Fever with his posing. Maks treats Joanna like a porcelain doll while doing lifts. Michael treats New Anna to an awesome lift. You guys, I love Group Dance night so much!

Bruno says “Give boys wigs and funny things happen”, which is funny and creepy. Carrie Ann makes fun of Alec’s hilarious wig. Len is just ridiculously happy with the whole thing. Man, that was fun!

All right, Myndi will bring you tomorrow’s elimination. I’m still worried about Michael, but he’s not that far below some people who are a lot less likeable than he is. We’ll see you there!