Previously on Dancing with the Stars: Kathy Ireland turned out not to be particularly good or particularly crazy, which led to her elimination and a whole bunch of unused Alien from L.A. jokes. Aaron Carter, Mya, and Donny Osmond led the pack while Tom DeLay ended up sucking hind teat. Also, there were Muppets, which caused a total freakout around here.

Hey Tom Bergeron! Is it Memorex or is it that other thing? Oh yeah, LIIIIIIIIVVVVE!!!

And for those keeping track, Samantha Harris’ dress is very pretty tonight, but it’s spoiled by the Mr. T necklaces adorning her neck. Because I’m sure she cares about my fashion input. (Well, I do, and she should.--Myndi)

It’s Latin Night, with everybody doing either the Samba or the Rumba, which means hip action. Len is back from his mysterious absence, which means less poorly-worded gushing. Samantha tells us that Tom DeLay’s pre-stress fracture has developed into a stress fracture, so it’s “touch and go” as to whether he can dance tonight. Whether he dances or not, Cheryl’s looking totally hot in a sparkly flag-themed dress. It’s like if Captain America were a lady with a rockin’ body.

All right, here come our dancers. As usual, they’re recapped in order of score – first to worst.

Mya and Dmitry Chaplin (27) – Dmitry is determined to keep things traditional for Len. You know, these two don’t have nearly enough neuroses or drama to make for interesting rehearsal footage. They’re doing the Rumba, and as usual, she looks darn near professional. There’s such an easy flow to what they’re doing, and it’s just gorgeous. I can’t believe how good her lines are and how assured her footwork is.

Carrie Ann was mesmerized. She thinks there might have been a lift, but she was enjoying it too much to pick. Len thinks there was a lot going on, and simplicity would have suited her better. Bruno says she “put all of America in the mood for love” and “no price is too high for you”. Did he just imply she was a very expensive prostitute? Because that was really weird. Carrie Ann breaks out the first 10 of the season. Len brings us down with a 7, and Bruno kicks it back up to a 10. That’s a 27, with a fairly wide range.

Natalie Coughlin and Alec Mazo (26) – Natalie tells us she gets uncomfortable when called on to be sexy, so Alec brings in his wife, Edyta. Edyta comes in and sexies the place up, which seems to help.

Their Rumba begins with blue lights and a fog machine, so you know it’s awesome. Also, their song is “In the Air Tonight”. And, God help me, I can’t hear this song without thinking about Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Specifically the movie. But that’s got nothing to do with the Rumba, so I’ll move on. It’s a really adept Rumba. They’re really making this look easy, and it’s pretty stunning. She just hits the steps with such precision – it’s fantastic. (It helps that she's a world class athelete and can do those insane splits!--Myndi)

Carrie Ann thinks it was gorgeous and dramatic. Len thought it was expressive and great, and he liked their chemistry. Bruno compares her to a rocket and calls her a “sexy beast”. Like Ben Kingsley? Carrie Ann and Bruno give her 9’s, with an 8 from Len for a solid 26.

Joanna Krupa and Derek Hough (23) – You know, I can’t remember what Joanna looks like from week to week. If she wasn’t standing next to Derek, I couldn’t pick her out of a crowd. Derek pushes her to do a difficult move called a “shadow roll”, and he gushes about how awesome she is. We’ll see, Hough…

Derek starts their Samba by swinging onto the stage from a rope. That’s pretty awesome. Joanna does an admirable job of keeping up, but she doesn’t do anything that really stands out, either. Derek has some really slick moves, including one where he almost roundhouse kicks her. It’s a fun dance, and I think it’s really well choreographed, but I don’t know that Joanna’s adding a lot to it.

Bruno thinks she’s unsteady, but was happy with the overall performance. Carrie Ann agrees that she had “a few little thingies” (that's some helpful criticism there!--Myndi), but enjoys that she’s fearless. Len thought it was top-notch all around. She gets a 7 from Carrie Ann and 8’s for the men, a total of 23.

Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson (21) – In rehearsal, Donny giggles whenever he touches Kym. He’s such an endearing dork. She’s trying to find his passion, and I’m not sure that exists. They’re dancing the Rumba, and it’s really quite elegant. However, my sister sent me an IM during this number and announced that Donny’s hip shake made her ovaries stop producing eggs. Hee. There’s a certain awkwardness to their holds, like he’s afraid to brush against Kym’s boobs.

Len thinks he did a good job. Bruno thought it was a bit “hairy fairy”, and then Donny dips Bruno over the table while Bruno talks about throbbing. This is really getting weird here. Carrie Ann is totally flustered by now. She liked his solo but thinks he lost his musicality. She appreciated his vulnerability as well. He gets 7’s across the board for a 21, and Samantha suggests that he should have given Bruno tongue. Ha! Everybody’s funny tonight. (or, ya know, disturbing.  That's so making The Soup this week!--Myndi)

Afterwards, Tom Bergeron is sitting in the audience with Lance Bass and Paula Abdul. Wait. What? Paula Abdul? He gets a laugh by asking “What’s new?” Hee. Paula thinks everything has been amazing and says that she doesn’t know what’s going on, accuses Len of being too mean, and then says that she and Carrie Ann should make out. What just happened? That was a load of crazy in a short timeframe. Is this what it’s like to watch American Idol? (Oh, sweetie, that was just the tip of the crazy, drunken iceberg.--Myndi)

Aaron Carter and Karina Smirnoff (21) – Aaron’s worried about living up to last week’s dance, and I’m not sure he can do that without the aid of the Muppets. Sure, he might not be able to get the A-Listers back right away, but Lew Zealand and Uncle Deadly would probably love the exposure. Karina says he needs to “feel” the Rumba, or it won’t be believable.

They’re dancing the Rumba, and Aaron appears to be wearing a powder blue Jedi uniform. He’s doing something very weird with his arms where he has them extended at times when you wouldn’t think he needs to extend. His footwork’s nice, except for one little stumble. There’s a really good move at the end where he dips Karina, but it seems more technical than emotional. It doesn’t seem very engaging, good as the actual dancing was. (The powder blue smoking jacket and the weird extensions were off putting.  Also, his face bugs me.--Myndi)

Bruno thought he had determination, but lacked fluidity. Carrie Ann agrees, but still liked it. Len thinks it didn’t have enough musicality and thinks his arms were weird. Len and I agreed! Carrie Ann gives them an 8, Len gives them a 6, and a 7 from Bruno. 21!

Louie Vito and Chelsie Hightower (20) – The spend the rehearsal footage talking about their chemistry, which is profoundly unsettling. I think Louie is a hobbit, after all. They’re dancing the Rumba, and there’s a sensuality to it but I’m not sure that’s a good think. They’re both so tiny, it’s like a horny edition of Ballroom Kids. Chelsie proves her flexibility by bending her leg so far back that you could classify her as carry-on luggage. And this is all set to “Total Eclipse of the Heart”, and I’m not ashamed to admit that I sang along. (He still needs major work, but I was pretty impressed with Louie all in all.  I just want to out them both in my pocket!--Myndi)

Bruno loves their chemistry but things he’s still pretty jerky. Carrie Ann says they’re “so cute”, and is impressed at his frame. Len really didn’t like it – he thought it was hectic and disappointing. The audience and other judges boo him. Carrie Ann gives them an 8, there’s a 5 from Len, and a 7 from Bruno. That’s a 20, for a dance that Len clearly hated.

Kelly Osbourne and Louis Van Amstel (20) – Kelly was in tears after last week’s performance, and I think she might be taking it a little hard. Louis talks about how she needs to focus, and Kelly is determined to shine this week. It worries me that she’s on such an emotional roller-coaster, and this is only Week Three. (Kelly is adorable and fragile.  Girl is sheer DRAMA, but I'm still rooting for her to do well.--Myndi)

They’re dancing the Samba to what I’m told is a Lady Gaga song. I’m still not clear on whether or not she’s a real person. Is she a cartoon musician like The Archies or Dethklok? There’s something weirdly dainty about this dance, especially at the beginning. It picks up at the end, and it’s fluid and fun to watch. Other than Kelly making out with Louis at the end, it’s not really memorable, but there’s certainly nothing wrong with it.

Len thinks she’s a good dancer, but needs to work on her confidence. Bruno thinks she’s much improved over last week, with just a couple of stumbles. Carrie Ann thinks she’s really good and needs to stop doubting herself. She gets 7’s from Carrie Ann and Bruno, and Len, as is his wont, undercuts them with a 6. 20 for Kelly.

Melissa Joan Hart and Mark Ballas (19) – Mark tries to get Melissa to bring out her “party energy”. Ah, so he wants to stand awkwardly in a corner trying to remember if she’s ever met any of these people before? Sorry, that’s my own personal party energy. He’s getting tough on Melissa this week, and says he won’t let “stupid mistakes” slide.

They are dancing the Samba, and there’s a Tiki torch onstage. Or they’re trying to keep mosquitoes away. I have a hard time getting a read on Latin dances, but her footwork looks really bad to me this week. It looks like she’s leaning on Mark too much, and her legs are not going where they should be going. Also, her dress has a weird shortening effect on her legs. It’s very strange, and I did not care for this dance. (I keep forgetting Melissa is on this show.  She's just not registering.--Myndi)

Len though her legs were strong but that she was weak from the waist up. Bruno thinks she showed improvement from last week but lost the beat. Carrie Ann senses fear, like a bear. There’s going to be a mauling! Huh, I am not in sync with the judges this week. Carrie Ann and Len give her 6’s, and Bruno steps up with a 7, for a total of 19.

Mark Dacascos and Lacey Schwimmer (18) – They talk a lot about Mark’s slip last week, so he’s determined to nail the footwork this week. Lacey tells him he has to do everything in slow motion, which is Mark’s cue to talk like a cartoon turtle.

Their Rumba begins with Mark flirting with some ladies in the front row. This dance seems a lot more methodical than his other performances. I think it suits him, as he has some really nice extensions and makes an attempt to engage the camera. There’s some good emotion there. I’m surprised at how well he did with a slower number, personally.

Len thinks it was a very difficult dance, and thinks Mark was too aggressive. Bruno calls it anticlimactic and says it wasn’t fluid enough. Carrie Ann likes his movement, but thinks he lacks a connection. I liked it better than the judges did, clearly. Of course, it’s not like Len is familiar with Sensei Ping.

By the way, Samantha reveals that the woman Mark was flirting with was, in fact, his wife. Awww. The judges give him the Score of the Beast, three 6’s for an 18. Clearly, he needs my votes this week.

Debi Mazar and Maksim Chmerkovskiy (17) – Last week, it took me ten minutes to remember that Debi was even on this show. She’s not doing a bad job, but she just doesn’t make any kind of impression on me. Mel B. stops by to give Debi some inspiration, and it’s always good to see her again. (and, her boobs.  Wow.--Myndi)

Their Samba opens with Debi reclining on the steps for too long. Len always hates that. When she finally does stand up, she strips off her robe to reveal a spangly ensemble that appears to be covered in Muppet pelts. (I think she got Scooter!-Myndi) It’s not feathery – it’s actually fuzzy and weird. As a dance, it’s not bad, but it’s really bland. It looks like they’re demonstrating the steps of the Samba rather than actually doing a Samba. For some reason, they run out of dance several measures before they run out of music, which really doesn’t look good.

Carrie Ann thinks it was too safe, and she looks worried. Len says it has all the ingredients, but lacked flavor. Bruno thought she lacks personality and lost the flow twice. Debi looks really crazy here, like she forgot where she is. I get the feeling she’s going to come unhinged sooner rather than later. (She might just be mad that no one can seem to pronounce her name correctly.--Myndi) She gets 6’s along the sides and a 5 up the middle for a 17. Len is cranky tonight!

Chuck Liddel and Anna Trebunskaya (17) – Anna tells Chuck he can’t be scary this week, and there’s some hilarious footage of him trying to loosen up. We then see Chuck take his daughter for a pedicure. Well, that was weird. Chuck makes some funny “samba faces” after that. (OK, I'm sorry, but Chuck is reminding me of Sloth from The Goonies, minus the facial deformity.--Myndi)

Chuck is wearing ridiculously frilly sleeves, and he slides halfway across the floor on his knees, waving his arms like a madman. He tears off the sleeves, and then he just freaking attacks that Samba. There’s a looseness to his moves that we haven’t seen, and he’s absolutely throwing himself into this dance. The energy of it is really cool to see, with big bold movements. It’s really fun to watch. Yay, Chuck!

Len congratulates Anna for the great job she did with Chuck. That’s right, applaud for Anna! Bruno is really excited and weird, and he talks about zombies. Carrie Ann liked it, and she giggles. This was a really fun dance. Somehow, he still gets 6’s from Bruno and Carrie Ann and a 5 from Len. Come on, that was better than a 17! You’re being ridiculous, judges!

Tom DeLay and Cheryl Burke (15) – Tom’s Samba practice is very robotic, but that doesn’t matter because his feet are giving out. He says the producers and his doctors have asked him to give up, but he refuses. After the video clips, he tells Tom that he has stress fractures in both feet, but he says “What’s a little pain when you can party?”. (The way he said it was so...plastic.  Cheese Whiz, this guy.--Myndi) Why is he staying in this? It’s not like he can win or that he’ll prove anything. He’s just going to mess himself up. Of course, he is partnered with Cheryl, who is awesome. It’s a tough call.

Time for a Samba. It’s really weird, where he’s basically just swinging his arms while he walks. His hip action will make you weep. It’s just not good. This is not worth messing up his feet for. I’m very frustrated with his bad choices in life.

Carrie Ann says he’s easy on the eyes, and I don’t think that expression means what she thinks it means. Len calls him a hero. Bruno admires him for sticking with it, even though he’s not very good. It’s a 6 from Carrie Ann, a 4 from Len, and a 5 from Bruno. That’s a 15.

Michael Irvin and New Anna (14) – Michael is having trouble communicating with New Anna, and he things she moves on too quickly. He really seems frustrated here, and it looks like she’s got a ways to go as a teacher. Well, it’s her first season.

They’re dancing the Samba this week, and it is not very good. I like Michael a lot and I want him to stick around, but this is really mushy and there’s so little interaction that it seems like they’re doing separate dances. It’s like they’re barely aware of one another. He actually has some really nice moves when they’re separated, but their holds and interaction are terrible. The dance on the whole is not very well put together.

Bruno thinks it was a mess and he need to get back in gear. Carrie Ann says he’s dancing too small. Len thinks the Samba is a hard dance for a big guy, but it was disappointing. Len gives him a 4, and the others can only muster up 5’s, for a 14. That’s too bad. I didn’t like this dance, but I think generally Michael’s doing better than he gets credit for.

I think Michael’s in trouble this week, unless people are finally bored with Tom. They have to be, right? Come on, folks. Cheryl will still be at the result shows – it’ll be OK.

Meet Myndi here tomorrow as she brings us the results, and some filler that will involve a chimpanzee. I know I’m excited!