Bound, Beaten, Brewed, & Viewed: This Little Piggy Went Wii, Wii, Wii All The Way Home!!!
Written by Tim Krikau   
Wednesday, 09 December 2009 14:00
AddThis Social Bookmark Button

Happy Holidaze, True Believers!!!   Hope you all have enjoyed Christmas Halftime...er....Thanksgiving!   Well, that's what happens when you let the retailers start X-Mas in July!   As we approach this year's ever-expanding bacchanal of greed and avarice, I have made a few trips to the local Costco to look for things that I may like as well as think about a few gift ideas for my family.   I've been a little lax in my attention to all things videogames, but then again, my attention-span always has been somewhat challenged.  I say this, because as I am meandering down the aisles in a tryptophan-induced haze, I saw that a much-hyped Wii title has already hit the shelves (and for about $10 cheaper than other retail outlets).  The game is none other than New Super Mario Bros.Wii.  Now if you're even a semi-regular reader of this column, you'll know that I'm a big fan of Mario and have yet to play a lousy game with his name on it.  I'm old enough to remember playing Donkey Kong at the Alligator Alley arcade where Mario was nothing more than a bunch of pre-arranged red and blue squares that sort of resemble an Italian plumber.  I also remember the resurgence of the home videogame console market in 1986 when Nintendo put out its NES 8-Bit system with Super Mario Bros. as the bundle package.   Thus was born the side-scrolling platform adventures that gave us such classics as Sonic the Hedgehog, Contra, Kid Chameleon, among others from that decade.   Mario has been the Nintendo mascot ever since and the games bearing his moniker are too numerous to count.  Well....not too numerous, I just don't feel like counting them all. 

To be quite frank, I wasn't too interested in picking up this game.  All it looked like to me was just another re-tread of Super Mario Bros., Super Mario World, Yoshi's Story, etc., that is now available for those who have a Wii.   To even drive the point further home, you can download the old classics with the Virtual Console controller and an online connection with the Wii.   So why plunk down $50 for a retread?   I'll tell you why.  It's a not a retread...at all.   Yeah, all the elements of the past games are there..the plot, the level types, etc., but where New Super Mario Bros.Wii succeeds is that it takes the best of the old Mario side-scrollers and brings them all together in one super-duper package.  I'm not going into the mechanics of this game as if you don't know how to play by now, you've spent way too many years in the Peace Corps helping people find water in the desert. 

The big question for this incarnation of Mario is this?  Is the game fun?  Well, again, if you've played Super Mario Bros. or Super Mario World and enjoyed it, you'll like this game.  So, in my my opinion, yeah, the game is fun.   It's nothing new, but it is fun.   But...and this is a big but...this but is way bigger than your Great Aunt Rosie's...the game is not easy.  Unlike its predecessors (and most videogames) that just ease you into the action and gets progressively harder, SMB.Wii is challenging right from the beginning.  The first level of the first world is somewhat easy to get through, but after that, you had better have the controls mastered because you will get killed often if you don't.  In a way, this somewhat makes sense to me.  After all, this is just a side-scrolling, left-to-right, run and jump game.  A genre that was big back in the 80's when people in my demographic were teenagers.   This game is targeted for us big kids.  Regular kids look at this game and say, "Wow, my dad used to play this old-ass game.  Whatever keeps that doddering old fool happy and out of my bedroom."  Nintendo assumed (correctly, I might add) that the main users of this game are old veteran SMB pros and skewed the difficulty higher to meet our "skills sets".   

Now...I have to say this.  If you're going to get this game because of the multi-player (4 players at once) feature and think that it's great for the whole family, listen to me carefully...DON'T!!!!   Hey, Nintendo even put out a commercial featuring this poor schmo (rocking a bitchin' reindeer sweater, I might add) getting his butt kicked in this game by his kids (who inform him that he sucks) and even his grandfather (who labels him as a disappointment to the family).   This ad, while intended to be humorous, is dead-on.   The game is hard enough in one player, it is beyond frustrating with two people playing, and I'm really not interested in having four people running around the screen at once!  Somebody will get hurt.  Not by the game, but by one or more of the other players.   My wife and I are trying to play this game together and...well...I'll just say that we both have been married long enough to know when it really is time to turn the machine off before she kills me. 

I'm now going to grind the transmission of this article to a screeching halt.   This column's topic was originally going about my trials and tribulations with the Wii Fit.  I was going to call this piece "Survival of the Fattest" but...you can all watch The Biggest Loser if you want to watch glorious triumphs of the human spirit.   However, if you are a big fan of schadenfreude (and who isn't?) stay right here and read on. 

With the release of Wii Fit Plus a few months ago, Nintendo is trying to amp up the interest in its landmark software that is all about physical activity.   The one thing about Wii Fit, though, is that it is not a rigorous fitness regimen.  You know how I know?  Because I can do most of them without hurting myself, others, and personal property.  Wii Fit is not for serious fitness enthusiasts and if you are, you'll find the program a little pedestrian.   If you're me, Wii Fit is a good start to developing fitness habits and maybe springboard to other things.   Also, there's no real regimen either.  You just pick out which exercises you want to do and you do them.   To sum up, the activity selection is a little muddled in that the software does a good job informing the user what the activity is and what parts of the body it will impact, but it doesn't really tie them together.  The Yoga and Strength Training selections are tied together, however, but unless you have a good memory (or write them down), you won't know what exercises work well together until you do them.   Wii Fit Plus resolves that by actually putting together a suite of regimens that allows the user to choose from based their needs (cardio, aerobic, strength, etc.) and puts you through the paces.   I don't have Wii Fit Plus yet, but I know the inclusion of the regimens will be a vast improvement. 

Now onto me.  I'm 6' 4", 320 lbs, and 40 years old....a real ladykiller (acquitted).   I don't look 320 lbs but being 6' 4" kinda evens it out some.  So I'm fat AND big-boned...and the bones are jiggling.  Most people compare me to John Goodman sans talent.   Now that you have your daily dose of TMI, here's how Wii Fit works:

1.  Upon turning on the game, you are prompted to create a profile, which generally begins with the player using his/her Mii.  The game then asks you to enter your birthdate and then stand on the balance board (which is what you're really paying the $100 for) and hold still.  

2.  Upon holding really still, the balance board (which is an animated character on the screen..with a very annoying high-pitched voice - think Carpet from Disney's Aladdin mixed in with Alvin from the Chipmunks) will provide you with your weight and your BMI.  Now depending on your physique, the board will inform you and anyone within earshot of your condition.  So, in front of my family last year, this infernal machine declared in full HD-audio glory that I am obese.   In which, my family (ranging from ages 4 to 72) learned a few new words and a very universal gesture from me.   Ahh...the holidays! 

3.  After that...Wii Fit will put you through two activities to help you regulate your balance (this is optional) and provide with your Wii Fit Age.   Now, again, this is not for the serious fitness person, OKAY.   You know how I know?  One time, the Wii Fit said I had a physical age of 27 and the next day I was 55.   So don't hang your hat on this stuff.  

4.  Now on to the exercises.   This is the meat of the program.  You can choose from yoga poses, strength training exercises, aerobics, and balance games.   Again, for the person who works out every day, there nothing in this program for you.   But hey, it's still fun.   The best exercise is Rhythm Boxing.  It's an aerobic activity, but you basically are throwing punches at virtual heavy bag in sequence that also involves some step activity.   It's the best way I can cope with stress.  I would get home from a bad day and after 15 minutes of throwing punches, I'd feel a lot better and then proceed to drink a couple of Scotches. 

5.  Returning to the exercise program on a daily level.   Not only is the pixilated version of the balance board a cruel, taunting bully on helium...it's also an excellent surrogate for your mother.   God help you if you miss a day.  It won't yell at you per se, but it's pretty adept at guilting you.  "Hi Krik...too tired to work out yesterday?  What gives?"  "Good afternoon, Krik!  You know it's been 28 days you last checked in, you'll never achieve your goals unless you work out every day."   It's like having Dr. Phil as your personal trainer.  Oh...God forbid you post a gain in your BMI/weight too.   It will then ask you what do you think the causes are and then you give 8 choices ranging from Overeating to Lack of Sleep.   The other day, I chose indigestion for no particular reason.   The following day, Wii Fit asked me, "Remember how you said it was indigestion that caused your weight gain.  We need to talk about that.  You really shouldn't eat foods that cause indigestion."   Thanks for the tip..now I am going step on you really hard.   Take that, you molded piece of inanimate plastic!  God..that felt cathartic!

So that's how Wii Fit works and like I said before, it's not for serious fitness enthusiasts.   However, it is a lot of fun and for a videogame, I say hats off to Nintendo for getting us off of the couch!  In future columns, I will sporadically post my progress for your amusement! 

OK, True Believers...I hope you have a great holiday season that is rife with alcohol, prescription drugs, and other weapons of mass distraction.   God blitz us, everyone!

Trackback(0)

TrackBack URI for this entry

Comments (1)

Subscribe to this comment's feed
ugg boot
0

Winter is coming ,many people are afraid of cold,especially the feet.then you must something to keep warm,I think you need a pair of snow boots,made of wool.such as UGG boots,tall boots,short boots or mini boots,Very warm to wear them.And the style ,the color also the material,the quality are very good .Walking in the fashion front.
welcome to my web http://www.uggboots-space.com
ugg , December 28, 2009 | url

Write comment

feedShow/Hide comment form
This content has been locked. You can no longer post any comment.

busy