Jared Jalecki of TV’s “Supernatural” fame stars as Clay (funny how these supposed teens are never really given last names in slasher scenarios), our wavy-haired, motorcycle-riding hero who is out to find his missing sister Whitney. Whitney (Amanda Righetti) was unwise enough to venture off to Camp Crystal Lake with her straightedge boyfriend even after hearing the ominous origin story of Jason over a campfire. Those kids.

There really isn’t a character worth exploring (aside from maybe Jason Voorhees himself, here played by stunt actor Derek Mears), so when the killings happen, they’re more for the sake of “oh how will they get it next” shocks. Some of them are actually good. In particular, there’s a death of a topless blonde who foolishly tries to hide under the lake boardwalk that I thought had a devilish payoff. Anyway, for most of its run, “Friday The 13^th” makes efficient use of the blow-your-ears-out-to-5.1-surround-sound equipped in multiplexes across the country; so if you find yourself jumping at times, it would have been a physical reaction to the pain in your eardrum or the waves of air blowing at you from all the wall speakers. But I digress.

And other elements of the film aren’t entirely disastrous. For example, the extended opening sequence—an amusing short film in itself—will surely upset and awaken many in the audience who are busy making out or texting on their cell phones.  I did appreciate how Jason didn’t don the hockey mask until about the second act (thus forcing the audience in one awkward scene, a good look at his deformed face).  I also found the use of chimney pokers, arrows and bear claws especially inventive. Kind of like those “Final Destination” flicks.

Next to producer Bruckheimer, the film is helmed by German Director Marcus Nispel, the filmmaker behind music videos for Bone Thugs N Harmony and Janet Jackson, along with the feature flop known as “Pathfinder.”  Not even cinematographer Daniel Pearl (who photographed Tobe Hooper’s original “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” masterpiece) can really elevate the material pass its two dimensional screenplay—even with his gorgeous nighttime lighting work.

In the end, all we have are a series of fake decapitated bodies, an immortal homicidal villain and a healthy amount of hot chicks with fake tits.  For some it will be euphoric.  For others who want the primal but who also want their thoughts provoked—well they’ll be stuck going home to re-watch the original. Or they’ll go drink a nice cold beer out of someone’s shoe.

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