 I think everyone agrees that the worst part of any relationship is that part where you have to meet parents and family and all that. It's one thing to trick one person that you aren't a crack-pot, but "family" is always like an expert panel on topics like "honesty" and "sanity" and "normalcy." Say you were able to convince a girl that you are an international super-spy who only sleeps with all those other women as to obtain very important secrets that you share with the FBI and CIA, and that your jet-pack and helicopter are still in the shop for repairs, and that your apartment has a secret door to a secret underground lair, and no you can't show her .... but it's another thing entirely to look at someone's whole family and convince them of that same story.
Am I right? That guy knows what I'm talking about. Coincidentally, that's also why this article is a day late ...spy stuff. I can't talk about it.
The other thing everyone agrees with is that the "Bachelor visits hometowns" episode is always the most boring of any season.
For me, it's a real buzz kill when we go from the vast expanses of California mansions, stretched, luxury Winnebago's, and endless pretty faces and exotic locals, to small sensible homes in normal suburbs with average looking people. It's so jarring. I get so wrapped up in the exotic and glamorous life, I get bummed out seeing normal people. And what's worse, these people never signed up to be on a reality show. We forget the mentality and "look-at-me" tendencies that make up the character of anyone and everyone who goes on reality TV. Reality TV participants dream of and plot exactly what they'll do if they ever get on TV, but most people don't - even in our "15 minutes of fame" society.
We started the night in New York (see what I mean ...a hopelessly normal small-town ...I'm so inconsistent) with Gia. The date was highlighted by the fact Jake asked Gia to pose for some pictures and her first reaction was to remove her coat and pose in only a t-shirt. What a keeper! Figures ...a girl from New York. Slut. And I seriously hope I don't have any "girls from New York" who I'm forgetting read this. And if I do, well, um, I mean all those other girls from New York are sluts. You're awesome. Who loves ya?
Sorry to cut that date short, but her date was so boring, there's nothing to say. Her Mom read Tarot cards ...every season, someone's Mom reads Tarot cards or is a vegetarian or something. As the kids say ...whaaaaaatever.
In Tenley's hometown, what stood out was Jake's scarf. It wrapped around his neck three or four times and still was long enough to hang down. Where in the heck does one get a scarf that gigantic? Also of note was Tinley's interpretive dance at a studio where she used to teach, and Jake loved her "lyrical dance" and "melted" in the moment (mmmmm ...Melting Moments). And then they danced together in an empty studio, and while Jake said he was awe struck and loved it. I'm not buying it. He'll never admit it, but something about these early moments in the dance studio, along with his obsession about her former marriage, and her constantly talking about how much it affects her future decisions, it all just seems a bit unhealthy. And, ladies, if you find yourself in a dance studio and the mood hits you to dance for your date, might I suggest you put more thought into said dance than Tenley's awkward "running back and forth" routine. Am I suggesting you fire up some Motley Crue "Girls Girls Girls" and press yourself against the giant mirror and arch your back a bit ...in heels? Yes. Yes, I'm suggesting that very thing.
Just sayin', given the choice between Swan Lake and Centerfold's Lounge, most guys prefer the latter.
Back at Tenley's house, we got to meet poor, heart-broken Tenley's Dad. All his friends have now seen him bawling on TV when having a heart-to-heart with his daughter. And Tenley's Mom was crying at the beginning. And what all this crying seems to indicate is that (a) they really feel for their daughter and how badly she's still handling her divorce, and (b) they know their daughter is going to get her heart broken again. Or, at least, they know it's only a 25% chance Jake and Tenley end up together. And you gotta feel for these parents - they seemed quite normal. I'm sure, as parents, it was very hard for them to see their faithful, obedient daughter "save herself for marriage" because she trusted her parents soooo much, and she felt all was magic in the world and when she fell in love, and gave herself to a man, it would be for life. Sadly, it appears that dude just wanted to obtain that which seemed unobtainable. And once he "hit that" (as the kids say ...kids who are rappers, I guess ...and frat guys), he was gones-ville. So Tenley got divorced, and it crushed her, and her parents were no doubt crushed, as well. (Don't you love how tenderly I'm treating Tenley's divorce, and how crass I am when it comes to Vienna of the Horsed Face?) Her Dad probably counseled her and said things like, "sometimes God has a plan" and "never lose faith" and "don't stop believing in love." And Tenley's parents likely envisioned a scenario where Tenley might ease herself back into the dating world and learn to love again, but ...oh, no. Imagine their shock when she called one day and said, "I'm going on The Bachelor!!! To find my true love." And so they had to unlock their cable box's Christian Parent Control settings and allow true, network TV to beam into their living room and they had to witness what an abomination of a television show their daughter would be participating in. It's the exact opposite of the traditional view of marriage and that whole "saving yourself." All people do on the The Bachelor is save themselves for the next fantasy date.
So what I'm saying is, you can't blame Tenley's Dad for crying. He sees more heart break in her very near future and he knows, after this and when Jake dumps her for a more slutty chick, he's going to lose his sweet, innocent Tenley forever. And then next guy Tenley dates? He's gettin' the "Girls Girls Girls" routine ...oh, yeah ...high fives to the dudes in the bar watching UFC, baby! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout. Bam!
Ali, Ali, Ali. Ali's whining made my decision easy (and this show is all about me) ...if that's how she'll sound when marriage gets tough, then I couldn't handle that. And I won't even go into her hometown date, because by now you know it hardly even matters - nor does the Chicago (the band) concert.
What kind of mad man (get it? she works in advertising) does Ali have for a boss? My guess is the guy wants to sleep with her so he threatened to fire her to get her back to work. And how much do you want to bet she spent most of her first week back at work talking to anyone and everyone about the experience of being on The Bachelor, and talking to customers who heard she was on The Bachelor and wanted to hear all about it? My guess is she wasn't the most productive employee, so she should have stayed.
Either her boss was jealous of Jake, or her boss is a really, ugly, bitter woman who made her come back to work just to be vindictive. It's hard for me to imagine a job where a person, other than probably a pinky-toe surgeon (very specialized), or any type of surgeon, can't really take 5-weeks off work. And besides, it's the year 2010, and being on a reality show is quick becoming just "another part of life." My company actually offers short-term and long-term disability, as well as a reality-show-short-term and long-term leave of absence. In fact, I think my company manual (I just skimmed it on my first day, so I'm not totally sure, but I think it all stems from President Bush's "Reality Leave Act" he signed into law early in his Presidency, and he did it so he could return to his old job after he got done with his own reality show ...The Real Presidency World ...I'm political) extends more benefits to reality show participants than they do women who go on maternity leave. I mean, a "baby" ...that's your problem. But when someone goes on a reality show, everyone benefits. If you work with someone who goes on a reality show, you get to tell everyone you work with her. And that's cool as hell.
Ali was awesome. Now, Ali sucks.
Reviewing ... Gia was in NY and nearly posed topless. Ali was in Massachusetts and was kinda boring. Tenley's family, and Tenley (and Jake), are still all totally hung-up on her previous marriage and divorce. Which brings us to Vienna.
It would be easy to rip on her Dad. The Dad, I've speculated, who so sheltered her throughout life that she's become this helpless Daddy's girl. He was way different than I expected. When we first met Vienna, way back in the first episode, she billed herself as "spoiled" and her footage showed her on a yacht in the Gulf of Mexico or possibly the Atlantic Ocean. So when her Dad showed up on my TV screen wearing a sweater from Target, and with tacky lights hanging from his garage man cave, I was very surprised. I expected a Ken-Doll lookin' guy wearing a blue blazer with gold buttons. I expected him to mostly be typing away on his Blackberry and accidentally referring to Jake as "Jack" or "sport" or "Buck". And I assumed he'd slip out and crack open a bottle of Johnny Walker Black for John, or whats-his-name, and give him some advice on investing or buying art, but I didn't expect a crying, sniveling Joe-six-pack.
The Vienna date was chuck full of red flags, everywhere. Everyone in her family all laughed and snickered about how "honest" Vienna was. And Jake said that's what he was initially drawn to. But why does nobody see that blunt honesty very quickly devolves into crass stupidity. The girls in the mansion sure picked up on it. Vienna also has very few girl friends. And she seemed quite proud of that fact, as if she was just too good and too beautiful to have friends or something. Why can't Jake see this means her entire world is going to be Jake, and Jake alone. His friends won't like her. She'll have no friends of her own. So the only person she'll have to talk to will be Jake. On his drive to work, he'll be on the phone with her. Before he steps on the plane, she'll insist he call. The minute he lands his plane, he'll have to call. And he'll have to call from the hotel, and before he goes to sleep. And he'll get a call at 2am just so she can tell him she misses him. And everyone who knows Jake will just shake their heads and say, "gosh, he's such a nice guy, he deserves so much better."
He deserved Ali, but she wasn't quite in it to win it. If you watched, you know she voluntarily left the show to keep her job. In a way, she was trying to get a little more buy-in from Jake, and he wasn't giving her anything. And because he didn't, she left. And because I like Ali, and I don't like Vienna, I'll respect her decision to leave based on the fact that if Jake is falling for a girl like Vienna, then she can't respect him enough to pursue him, too. I get that. In the wild, rams and deer battle each other by butting heads and the winner gets to mate with every female ewe or doe. In some fictitious medieval time period, men would duel with swords to win the hand of the fair maiden. But you would never see a ram or a fencer run down a helpless goat or peasant just for sport, because that would be unnecessary cruelty. And in my analogy (or is it a metaphor?), Jake is the fair maiden, Ali is the swordsman, and Vienna is the hunch back Quasimoto bell ringer who, for some reason, is still winning the heart of the princess and Ali just doesn't feel like plunging a sword into Vienna's chest. Nor does she feel she should. If Jake is actually so stupid as to keep going after Vienna, then that's a turn off. So she used her "job" as an out, and when she saw he was hopeless, she's was out of there.
So next week, I think the girls visit Jake's home town, or maybe they go on the fantasy dates. All I know is that Ali calls Jake, just to check-in. Nice move. And who's looking forward to seeing him cry, again? This guy.
Thanks for reading. See you next week.
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