spunkybean - Day 1 - The 41-Days of American Hol-Idol-Days ...aka The Run-Up to American Idol (Dec 2)

THE HANGOVER - Zach Galifianakis and his tremendous facial hair lead the box office for the second week in a row.

Mustache Rides

The Annals of Facial Hair on the 'bean

Day 1 - The 41-Days of American Hol-Idol-Days ...aka The Run-Up to American Idol (Dec 2)

Written by Don Kowalewski

Wednesday, 02 December 2009 16:29

Like the song says, it truly is the "most wonderful time of the year." The time of year when we all await the arrival of a savior, and when we dream of elves and a jolly fat man who'll bring love and joy into our living room. And obviously I mean American Idol saving us from television blahs, Seacrest the elf and Randy the fat man bringing joy and togetherness, and by now you are totally with me and following my clever bait-and-switch.

It's time to put up the audition stockings, the Hollywood-week tree, and wrap the Idol presents. American Idol is only 41-days away and the excitement is overwhelming.

(to the tune of "Oh, Christmas Tree")

Oh, Simon Cowell.

We really love your comments.

Oh, Simon Cowell.

You'll be upstaged by Ellen.

So much happened this Idol off-season, where do I begin.

First, and most sad, is the departure of Paula Abdul. You're going to miss her stupid dancing during every performance more than you know. You're going to miss the flat-handed clapping, her slurred critique of performances, her cheerleading, and her "you were great", always-positive post-performance commentary. You might think you're going to like Ellen Degeneres added to the judges panel, but you won't like it as much as you liked Paula.

Idol had a formula. One judge used to play music with great bands and vocalists, and while he should be able to offer some solid advice, he mostly just threw around some catch-phrases (Randy). And then there was the chairman-of-the-board, Simon Cowell, who understands what a pop-star should look and sound like, and how that person can make a million dollars. And then there was an actual former pop-star who just kinda, well, acted like an aging pop-star. It was like she was the vapid, vacant pop-star from the future traveling back in time to offer nothing ...which is the very essence of pop-music and pop-super-stardom to begin with.

(to the tune of "Up On a Housetop")

Up on the panel, a new face.

Ellen Degeneres took Paula's place.

Will she be funny, or smart, or coy?

Are you aware she doesn't like boys?

So, Ellen Degeneres is joining Randy, Simon and Kara. Are they really bringing back Kara? If they didn't, would anyone notice? And let me be the first to say, I'm not completely convinced Paula won't be back and this wasn't some orchestrated headline-grabber that (a) kept her out of the long audition processes where she helps put idiots through to Hollywood and (b) gave her time to rest and abuse pain killers in the privacy of her own home.

And remember, Paula was probably still pretty shaken up about her stalker's suicide near her house.

If you'll be kind enough to read my random thoughts and reviews all season, you'll have to know this: I think Ellen DeGeneres is hilarious. I loved her hosting the Oscars. I thought her stand-up routines from the '90s were some of the funniest around. Her show, "Ellen", before it became a sit-com about two gay women living together, was an ensemble cast featuring Jeremy Piven and Joely Fisher all working in a bookstore, and it was a damn funny show. I think her daytime talk show could work on late night - she's that good. And what I like about her is that she seems (I know it's probably an "act", but I eat it up) to love being pop-culture and creating it. In my mind, she's as thrilled to be on the judges panel as I would be, and so would the hundreds of bloggers and American Idol reviewers who will no doubt crush her and spend cyberspace bashing her every word.

(to the tune of "Joy to the World")

Joy to the world! Our show ...is ...back.

Let earth, all hear, them sing!

While some will stink, and sing off key,

Some others will really sing.

Some others, some others, will really ...sing!

Ellen is going to try and be funny. And she is funny. She's also, finally, going to be someone who can talk to contestants as a fan of the show and tell them something worthwhile - at least that is my hope. When Mariah Carey or Stevie Wonder or Barry Manilow come on as guest mentors, she's going to react to their being on the show the way we all would - she'll be excited. And I guess that would annoy some people, but it's real. Ellen is creative and needs to be the center of attention, so I highly doubt she's going to sit on her hands at the judges table the whole time. Expect her dancing on-stage. Expect hi-jinx. Expect her to try and steal the limelight from Ryan and Simon. Expect it - and embrace it.

On Idol's worst day, it's cheesy, brainless television. And on it's best days, it's cheesy, brainless television that half the country watches and loves (or hates).

I love Ellen. Check.

I love American Idol. Check.

I'll miss Paula (and so will you). Check.

American Idol returns January 12th. Check.

I'm excited. Check.

For the first entry in my 41-Days of American Hol-Idol-days, I think I've covered quite a bit. Join me for future articles where I'll review Kris Allen's new CD and single, I'll catch up with past fallen Idols, discuss Kelly Clarkson's weight-gain, weigh-in (pun) on Simon and Ryan's money mountains, I'll beat-box with Blake Lewis, and much, much more.

Can you hear that? It's the echo of a tone-deaf, delusional 20-year-old auditioning for the show. And, hark ...to the west, I see a vision. A star. It is guiding me and I will follow that star and deliver unto it my gold, frankincense and myrrh.

American Idol is back ...almost.