It’s Election Day, and in these parts, that means only one thing: Choosing the best TV President! And no, it’s not which of the candidates makes for the best small-screen presentation value, but rather, which TV President would make the best real President. This is spunkybean country, and that’s how we roll.

Now, this is by no means a complete list. Sure, if we had access to all five episodes of FOX’s 1987 flop Mr. President (starring George C. Scott!), we’d throw it in, but we are only human. Also, The West Wing’s Jed Bartlett has been ruled ineligible, because we have never watched an entire episode. See, we were very upset when NBC cancelled Homicide and NewsRadio, so we boycotted all of their new series that year. By the time we had relaxed our restrictions, Aaron Sorkin had started ‘shrooming out and writing entire episodes devoted to slamming individual viewers who had the gall to point out flaws in Sorkin’s grasp of the Constitution. Thus, we decided that wouldn’t be the best jumping-on point.

So which of the remaining contenders deserves to lead the free world? Let’s find out!

Bobby McCallister (Jack and Bobby) – President McCallister was one of two brothers – we were told early on that one would die young and one would grow up to be the President. Unfortunately, they told us which was which by the end of the first episode and ruined the gimmick right away.

Episodes set in the present were narrated by the President’s closest friends and advisors, speaking to us from the future. While we never saw the President in the future, we gleaned that he was considered to be one of the greatest Presidents ever. Of course, his friends and advisors are fairly biased.

Pros: Again, people kept telling us how great he is. Apparently, he pulled us back from the brink of war. That’s something.

Cons: We never actually saw him as President – we just took people’s word for it. Also, present-day Bobby was really damn irritating.

Overall: Either the greatest President ever, or a guy who surrounded himself with sycophants. Can we trust a President who leaves his advisors alone out there to speak for him? I submit that we can not.

Arnold Schwarzenegger (The Simpsons Movie) – Inexplicably, the Jingle All the Way star and California Governor served as President in the movie version of The Simpsons. They’ve always used actual Presidents in the series, but perhaps this was done to not tie the movie to any particular time period.

Pros: Well, he had the good sense to hire somebody voiced by Albert Brooks, which is a key ingredient for hilarity. Also, the first two Terminator movies hold up pretty well.

Cons: He picked a contingency plan at random to deal with environmental catastrophe and willingly remained out of the loop rather than make any decisions.

Overall: Oh, come on. We didn’t think he should be Governor, let alone President. And we still wonder why they didn’t use Arnold’s long-time stand-in on the show, Rainier Wolfcastle.

Laura Roslin (Battlestar Galactica) – The former Secretary of Education, promoted to the Presidency when, well, humanity was mostly wiped out. You think dealing with the Iraq War is going to be tough for the new President? Try having your first day of a Presidency coincide with near-genocide. Oh, and also religious fanatic robots are infiltrating the surviving humans. The inauguration was somber at best.

Despite initial resistance, Roslin has proven herself on numerous occasions. Whether dealing with water rationing or brokering a temporary peace with the Cylons, she’s risen to the occasion. And she’s crossed party lines by giving Tom Zarek, who opposed her re-election bid, a place in her administration.

Pros: A strong leader who’s been tested in many different arenas. Willing to listen to those with more experience, without being bullied.

Cons: Well, there’s the health issue. Also, she’s having prophetic dreams, which does not engender confidence. Sometimes clouded by emotion when it comes to Baltor, and she also might be the 12^th Cylon.

Overall: Superb leadership and fortitude. We’d be lucky to have a leader like her, unless she’s a sleeper agent. Frankly, that makes me nervous.

Lex Luthor (Justice League) – Technically, he was only the President in an alternate universe. But since they spent several seasons averting that future, I think it counts. Billionaire industrialist and scientist Luthor ascended to the Presidency after a briefly mind-controlled Superman terrorized the world.

When the law couldn’t touch a corrupt and power-mad President Luthor, his world’s incarnation of Superman killed him, right there in the Oval Office. This led to an America ruled by a tyrannical version of the Justice League. But the point is, before he got his brain melted, President Luthor got things done!

Pros: Genius-level intellect and a phenomenally successful businessman. Luthor is impossible to intimidate – he spent all those years facing Superman, and suddenly Nancy Pelosi is going to strong arm him? I think not. And he’ll take care of illegal immigration. Yeah, Luthor’s got the alien problem solved.

Cons: You know, evil. Also he’s got some serious skeletons in the closet. An association with William Ayers is nothing compared to a guy who hangs out with the Joker and a carnivorous telepathic gorilla.

Overall: I can’t fully support a leader who kills the Flash, but it’s entirely possible that his membership in the Legion of Doom might not come out right away. I mean, if he’s vetted as carefully as Sarah Palin, at least…

Nathan Petrelli / Sylar (Heroes) – We’ve seen Nathan as President in two different alternate futures, each 4-5 years away. So you have to like his hustle. In one future, the destruction of New York turned people against those born with super-powers, and President Petrelli devoted considerable time and energy to rounding them up. In another future, well, we haven’t seen much of him yet. But he looks concerned about the destruction of Costa Verde and he’s married to Tracy, who he just met in the present. Again, good hustle.

Of course, in the first of those futures, Nathan is actually the power-mad brain thief Sylar. So he was instrumental in blowing up New York, then he killed and replaced the real Nathan. Again, that leaves us with an evil maniac as President. He managed to bring the country together, but he also was the reason they needed to be brought together. That seems like cheating.

Pros: Nathan’s pretty cool, and he can fly. We don’t know much about his politics, but I think we can all get behind a President who can hold his own in a fight with a guy who’s turning into a giant spider.

Cons: There’s a lot of evil in his family. And the whole “impersonated by Sylar” thing is just going to leave a bad taste in the mouth of the electorate. When you vote for somebody, you’re voting for that guy, not for somebody who may have the ability to imitate his appearance exactly.

Overall: Even aside from the impersonation, Nathan’s administration is pretty much limited to looking concerned after crises. And he’s got at least one illegitimate kid out there. He’s just too risky as a leader.

Mr. Ford (Frisky Dingo) – When we first met Mr. Ford, he was a cashier at a pet store. Next time, he worked at a gun store. Then, bodyguard to notorious gangster Torpedo Vegas. After that, he was a judge, and then a polling consultant (who randomly made up poll data). Finally, when Presidential candidates Xander Crews and Killface were disqualified for being under 36 and from another planet, respectively, Killface’s running mate Ta’quil was elected President. Ta’quil then made Mr. Ford the Secretary of Homeland Security.

This meteoric rise would be enough for a lesser man, but Mr. Ford soon blew up Air Force One with a rocket launcher. With the President and Vice-President presumed dead, and the Cabinet definitely dead, Mr. Ford poisoned the Speaker of the House and President Pro Tem of the Senate. That put Mr. Ford in the Oval Office. Sure, he had to kill a lot of people to get there, but he went from selling rabbits to the Presidency in about a year. That guy’s got moxie.

Pros: He’s ambitious, which is definitely a plus. Also, he’s not too powerful to mow the White House lawn himself and then demand payment from a Secret Service agent. Mr. Ford speaks for the little man.

Cons: Oh, he’s crazy. And not like Joe Biden crazy. We’re talking flat-out crazy.

Overall: Here’s the thing – if he’s not President, he will kill whoever he has to in order to get the job. We’re probably safer with him on the inside than on the outside.

David Palmer (24) – Narrowly surviving a complicated assassination attempt during his campaign, Palmer was elected President despite his family’s involvement in a scandal that was sort of forgotten 2/3 of the way through Season One. As President, another assassination attempt exposed him to nerve gas that withered his right hand, thought he survived. After option not to run for reelection, he was still considered a valuable advisor to the next Administration, taking de facto control on at least one occasion. Sadly, after his term was over, a third assassination attempt was successful, and David Palmer died.

While President, Palmer was controversial, though still considered a shoo-in for reelection. He was widely regarded by other world leaders and presided over multiple periods of crisis, where his calming and inspirational presence helped the nation see the storm through.

Pros: A sterling record of service, a powerful leader, and the one man Jack Bauer trusts. He’s tough as nails, and did more to foster positive international relations than any President before him.

Cons: Other than being dead? Well, there’s the wife. Sherry Palmer participated in at least one illegal conspiracy, covered up felonies, falsified evidence, and all in all, was evil.

Overall: Take the best parts of John McCain and the best parts of Barack Obama and combine them into one man with a deep voice and the ability to kick ass when needed, and you have got yourself a President. I might actually vote for him this year.

The Head of Richard Nixon (Futurama) – More than a thousand years after his first term-and-a-half, Richard Nixon’s head was again elected President of Earth thanks to a near-unanimous vote from the robot demographic. (He found a legal loophole – Nobody can be elected to more than two terms, and as a head in a jar, Nixon indeed has no body.)

Nixon’s head led Earth into a record number of interplanetary wars, including violent skirmishes with the Ball Aliens and the Neutrals. He enjoyed a brief surge of popularity when he gave all Earthlings a $300 tax refund, and was last seen discussing the universe’s relationship with Yivo with a panel of experts. Considering the amount of time that has passed in the Futurama Universe, he has been re-elected at least once, so whatever he’s doing is working.

Pros: He’s got the experience, and he did open trade relations with China.

Cons: Is Richard Nixon.

Overall: The guy went on a destructive rampage when he briefly had a robot body, and he gave the headless body of Spiro Agnew a key role in his administration. The Head of Richard Nixon is a ticking time bomb.

All right, get out there and vote. I’m just saying, I think there are a few perfectly valid write-ins here, in case you really want to make a statement. Palmer ’08!

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