 Unless you've cast an early absentee ballot, you aren't registered to vote, or you already voted first thing this morning on your way to work, this is a must-consult guide to today's election. Who are they? Where do they stand? Who are their running mates? What do you think? These are just some of the questions I've stolen from the countless voter guides I've received from the "mainstream" media, as well as the subversive media.
Who Are They?
Barack Obama is a white beacon of shining light for the next generation (the Pepsi Generation, I gather) who is a young, intelligent, gifted public speaker with an engaging smile and winning personality. He was the first African American President of the Harvard Law Review, and I guess that means a great deal.
Barack was born in two different hospitals in Hawaii (or was he?!?!?) and its up for debate as to whether he wasn't actually born in a small African village or if his father was a United States citizen long enough to officially make him a citizen and, therefore, eligible for the office of President. Or maybe because his father was African - like real African, actually from Africa. Either way, Obama's not a citizen and somehow people are ignoring this fact.
Barack will draw largely on his radical, terrorist background in running the country. Expect your church will be bombed by his administration. Expect it. Unless, of course, he gets his wish of banning all religion. That's his plan. More on that in "Where Do They Stand".
And Obama is secretly a Muslim. You didn't know that? Oh, yes. He is. Prays to Allah four times a day, but the mainstream media won't show you this footage - the media withholds all sorts of damaging video that would hurt Obama. Fact!
 John McCain is the system-bucking black-sheep son and grandson of two highly decorated Navy biggity bigs. Grades! McCain didn't need no stinkin' grades or high marks and finished 5th from last in his graduating class (I laugh every time I see that list used as news footage, and think about the four guys who finished below him and wonder how happy they are to be so well publicized for their failure early in life). He then went on to fly planes in Vietnam (the war, not their national airline) and crashed 5 or 6 of them and, finally, was captured and held as a P.O.W. for, like, 7 or 8 years. He was a hero. Or, a loose lipped traitor. Hard to tell. The Vietcong still haven't released their copious notes from his time as a P.O.W. During his time as a P.O.W., I think he drew the infamous P.O.W.-M.I.A. logo.
Upon his return home, to a hero's welcome, he found out his wife was horribly injured in a tragic car accident so he started womanizing and eventually divorced her and married some super rich drug addict and took a job as a Senator (long before it was "cool" to be a Senator).
McCain has a wicked temper. Fact!
Where Do They Stand?
Let's get to the big one - abortion. Yeesh, that's an ugly word. Let's clean it up. Pro-Life verse Pro-Choice. McCain is Pro-Life. Right? Or at least that's what he's telling the hard core right-wing Pro-Life advocates who are scared to death that Barrack Obama is going to put William Ayers and Dr. Kervorkian on the Supreme Court (because he is). Nevermind that McCain has said countless times during his 30 year Senate career that he doesn't think Roe v. Wade should be overturned and he's always been a Pro-Choice Republican. Nope. Believe it. McCain is Pro-Life and he'll embrace a culture of life. Unless those lives are 20-year-old troops ...then ...well ...bang-bang ...shoot-shoot ...kapow. Grab a Pro-Life automatic weapon and hop a plane. See the world!
Obama is Pro-Choice, but I think its more fair to call him Pro-Abortion. Like, it's not about the "choice." According to my notes from other people and what they said about him, he fully aims to bring the birth rate in the United States to ZERO by way of mandatory, state funded abortions. I know. It shocked me too when I made that up. He supports abortion all they way up until the 213th month, actually.
On taxes, McCain will eliminate all taxes on everything. He'll help Joe-the-Plumber by letting him keep every red cent he earns in his fictitious plumbing company he doesn't actually own. Under McCain's plan, all you'll have to do is "think of" a dream job you'd like to have, estimate what you'll make, and then sleep great at night knowing that you won't be paying taxes. Critics argue that "some taxes" are necessary, but McCain disagrees and thinks the country will be just fine running on the debt repayments from all the big businesses that the government has given money to over the past five years.
Obama, on the other hand, will tax everything. And tax it huge. It's very likely that 70% to 80% of your income will go directly to Uncle Samir ...er ...Sam. Why did I say "Samir?" But there's a little known fact about Obama's tax plan - everything you can't afford will be provided by the government. Yes, it's called Socialism. And although Obama has never said it himself, he plans to make us more socialistic than the most socialistic society that ever existed in Earth's history. I just hope the American version of socialism (or communism, if there's a difference) is uniquely American. Like, I don't mind that my bread and soup will be provided based on a mathematical forumula and the size of my family, but I want it delivered from the State-run Panera. And if I'm assigned a job at the TV-making-factory, that's cool, as long as I have 5 big screens - all H.D. The problem with socialism in the past was its pettiness. Tell me you wouldn't love socialism if it meant you could have a 4,000 square foot home and a giant GMC Suburban or Yukon Denali that you rode around in while wearing only top brand clothing. Think about it.
Obama hates rich people. Fact!
On energy, McCain doesn't want to change anything. He'll give a little money to the coal industry, he'll probably keep huge tax breaks in place for the billion dollar oil companies, and I know he wants to drill off shore - you can forget water skiiing next summer. Obama, on the other hand, wants the entire nation running on wind, solar, nuclear, and positivity, no later than the end of 2009.
When it comes to health care, Obama will universally provide health care to all Americans, except the unborn. But as I've mentioned, with his Zero-Birth-Rate policy, what will hurt us financially in the short-term will work in our favor, long-term. With no new Americans being born, eventually there'll be no people to suck the teet of government for handouts and vaccines. Why is everyone so down on this idea?
Education? Again. Obama has no plan because there's no future for education since all babies will be aborted. McCain, as you may recall, has no use for fancy book learnin' and he got by on his guile, charm, and unrivaled work ethic. It's called the school of hard knocks, little Timmy. Talk to Joe Biden, son. Play some marbles and bloody some noses. That is how you get ahead in this world.
In summary, if you like lots of sick, dumb children, vote McCain. If you want your government-run malls clear of teenagers and your air free of carbon and pollution, vote Obama.
Obama won't wear an American flag lapel pin, but he will wear a white-surrendor flag lapel pin. Fact!
Who Are Their Running Mates?
Obama picked Joe Biden, the Senate's Undisputed Bare Knuckle Boxing Champion, whom everyone knows yields more power than any Whip or Majority Leader. He's from New Jersey and all he knows is fist-fighting and loud-talking (also known as 'yelling.'). Joe Biden seems more like an "every man" than almost anyone in Congress, and often that means he puts his foot in his mouth because he wears his heart on his sleeve, and though Republicans have loved George W. Bush's eight years worth of verbal mishaps, they simply cannot stand Joe Biden's careless use of the English language. To be fair, nobody "loves" George W. Bush. "Loathing George W." is this year's "brown." The "Baby on Board" trend of this generation, if you will.
So, Joe Biden. Smart. Sincere. Verbose. Brash. Cage fighter. Dumb. Power hungry. Gun owner. Points at you when he talks in a "bully" type of way.
McCain picked a young dreamer named Sarah Palin. A former Miss Alaska, and former small-town Mayor, Sarah is simply darling and charming. Her winks and smiles almost make you forget about the scandals rocking her home state, her husbands former involvement in the Alaskan Seperatists movement, and something else about her daughter and something happening out-of-wedlock that its unfair to talk about. Never you mind that she doesn't actually know what the Vice President of the United States does - who among you actually paid attention in "government class" back in high school? Never you mind that she couldn't name you more than 5 or 6 foreign leaders and probably couldn't point to and name most of the nations in Europe and the Middle East. Our last Vice President knew all sorts of that brainiac stuff, and look what it got us. Think about it. Cheney had a chip on his shoulder before he even got into office and, if you believe that one video on YouTube, he popped champagne on 9-11 knowing he could use it as a reason to invade Iraq and kill Saddam Hussein. If Palin was V.P.? She would have no grudge, no knowledge of the history between Saddam (yes, I realize he's dead, but shhhhh ...don't tell li'l Sarah) and the United States, and she probably wouldn't manipulate intelligence to send us to war. Nope. She'll be busy with spinning folksy tales, delivering well constructed barbs, and being minimized and silenced by McCain's administrative staff. I picture her just living back in Alaska and "sitting tight", as instructed by McCain, waiting for invites to dinners and funerals and keeping a close eye on Russia.
What Do You Think?
I don't think? I simply pay very close attention the right-wing, left-wing, and pop-culture media and let them shape my opinions. And if this process has taught me anything, we have two evil men running for President and we're screwed either way.
If you believe the hype - and I do, 100 percent - we are a nation divided and its very likely half our population will be extremely disgruntled by tomorrow and will probably move to Canada (everyone always says they're moving to Canada, but nobody ever does).
"I think" I'm depressed that pundits are so prevalent and so one-sided that we fear our neighbor with a McCain or Obama lawn sign more than anything else in the world - except for cockroaches ...seriously ...nothing is scarier than a cockroach, who would even argue that? I think if you listen to only one-side of an argument, we've had two brilliant Presidents since 1980. Or, we've never had a quality President during that time. Hard to tell. But whatever happens this evening, just remember, we vote again in two years for a bunch of Congressmen, and in four years for another President. We put alot of weight in the words of our forefathers, and no matter which side of the current issues you are on, everyone agrees that the men who founded America were among the most brilliant in all of history. They specifically crafted our Constitution to protect citizens from overzealous leaders or extreme ideals. And for over 200 years, amidst a few bumps and bruises, we Americans, we citizens, still manage to be awesome. All of us. From your neighbor who hunts everything that walks and shoots his friend in the face with birdshot, to your other neighbor who "grows his own" (food ...I mean he grows food) and drives a 1987 Subaru, still today, complete with 200 bumper stickers about peace on the back window, hatch, and bumpers.
When you get down to it, both these men are absolutely insane to want to be President in the first place. Actually, to have run for public office at all. Its doubtful either of them hates America, or hates the people who aren't voting for them. No, instead, just the opposite. Without a doubt they both love this country. They love America, just like you, but different than you on some things. America is like a big family. You've got that Uncle who hunts, the Aunt who never worked and knits sweaters and runs her church functions, and the other Aunt who never married and dresses like Ellen DeGeneres. You've got a gay cousin. Your Dad is Union. Your buddy from college just got laid off. You might be rich. Your cousin's husband is definitely rich. You go to church every Sunday, but your brother only goes on Christmas and Easter. You have friends from other races. You volunteer for stuff, but sometimes you don't - and you feel a little guilty about it. You pay taxes. You buy stuff, but sometimes you save money. You probably have some credit card debt. You cringe when you hear of children or the elderly who cannot get medical care as much as you cringe when you hear about people who don't do for themselves and blame everyone and everything for their lot in life. Talk radio makes you cringe. You hate O'Reilly and Olbermann. Your boss likes Olbermann and O'Reilly (you should be suspect of that). I have more credit card debt that I'd like. I don't know how the stock market works. My Grandfather had a pension. My company no longer matches my 401K contribution. Your daughter needs braces. You are American. Be proud. Ask questions. Wear a flag lapel pin. Or don't. It's okay.
And though it's become cliche, I'll say it again - vote, today. If you're mad when its all over, protest peacefully. America is still the envy of the world and the greatest nation on Earth, so lets keep it that way. Viva la Presidencia! Oh, crap. I'm French. No I'm not! I'm American and a citizen of the United States of America, I'm awesome, so's my country, and so are you!!!
(I hope I've inspired you to the point you are pumping your fist ...peace out).
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